The Nintendo Tournament
by The Guy Formerly Known as
Summary: "Oh, great another piece of ****ing bull**** from lupusthe****ing****" you say. Well I'm sure you're right but you'll pay for that anyway. (pulls out bazooka) Insane.
1. The Thin Grey Line Held up only by Two R...

If you feel like being in this story tell me, there are many people who were accidently deleted from my faves list  
and I'd like to pay them back. As I can't be arsed to re-arrange it.  
  
(you see a huge archipeligo of all sorts of islands - all connected) (the screen pans over to a  
small flat island and the screen zooms in) (suddenly the entire cast of Conker's Bad Fur  
Day, Jet Force Gemini and Pokemon appear - the dead ones ressurected, but you can see what  
happenedd to them, as their injuries were crudley fixed)  
Lupustheflyingdog: I do not own anything in here except the islands and my stinky bedroom,   
... wait - minus stinky (Honestly - it's not but you'll have to take my word for it :)) I also  
have a laywer threatening me!  
(cut to Lupustheflyingdog's room)  
(you see a lawyer with a crossbow)  
Lupustheflyingdog: Have a muffin! (hands a muffin to the lawyer (the muffin is packed with plastique,  
and it's damn obvious considering huge amounts of it are sticking out and the muffin has "PLASTIQUE" written  
on it)  
(back to the island)   
  
  
THE NINTENDO TOURNAMENT  
  
(a highly polished table appears out of nowhere)  
(10 figures are at the table, shrouded in shadow)  
Lupustheflyingdog: Sooo .... here are the JUDGES!  
CONKER!  
GREGG THE GRIM REAPER!  
BERRI! (The only dead person who I hired a surgeon for!)  
TOGEPI!  
LUIGA!  
DRAGONITE!  
FLOYD! (patched up with sellotape)  
FARMER!  
AAAANDDDDD .... THOSE TWO ANNOYING TRIBALS FROM DINOSAUR2 AND HAMSTER KINGS WASHED UP AT THE WATER RUIN!  
THEY COUNT AS ONE PERSON BECAUSE OF THE WAY THEY TALK!  
AND STUFF!  
AND OF COURSE ME!  
  
(Bedlam mental hospital appears for no reason)  
Bedlam: Where is London, 1756?  
Lupustheflyingdog: Down the corridor, 6th door on the right.  
Bedlam: Thanks! (disappears)  
Lupustheflyingdog: He'd better not come back. He's been here for ages last time,  
trying to find the Marina Trench.  
  
Anyway the first test! Walking over a tightrope to a cliff - at the end I'll show the scores.  
If you fall you will be resurrected but not able to continue playing.  
  
Oh, and if you fall you will face a torture.  
  
START!  
  
(you see a line with all of the non-judges walking along)  
Jesse: Look! Only one foot! (hops, catches onto the wire, knocking off Ash,  
Misty, Juno and Marvin and then falling off herself)  
(falling down)  
Juno: Stupid twat. (holds out pistol) What are you?  
Jesse: A stupid twat!  
Juno: Now dance!  
Jesse: But I'm in midai...  
Juno: DANCE I SAID!  
  
(pans up to the rest of the people)  
(you hear a splat)  
  
(the judges give the marks)  
Meowth:  
Gregg: 0 because you're a shitty cat ...  
  
Meanwhile...  
TORTURE TIME!  
  
(You see Marvin in a cage)  
Lupustheflyingdog: You'll watch cheeses of the world ... FOR TEN MINUTES!  
Marvin: No! Me EAT cheese! I NEED cheese to eat!  
(you see Ash and Misty in a cage)  
Lupustheflyingdog: No making out!  
Ash: Okay.  
Lupustheflyingdog: Huh ... oh, god. Wrong year, that is NEXT YEAR'S TORTURE!  
I guess the Tellitubbies learn Ninja will do for you. (moves to reveal a TV  
showing Tinky Winky having his head cut off with a spinning katana)  
Misty: NOOOOOOOO!  
(zoom to Juno who is not in a cage)  
Lupustheflyingdog: You'll have to wear your sister's mini skirts for a week.  
Juno: WHAT? Jeez.  
(finally see Jesse in a cage)  
Lupustheflyingdog: Crewcut. Now.  
Jesse: But... (lupustheflyingdog walks off)  
  
-MEANWHILE AT THE FINAL JUDGE COMMENT-  
  
Conker: And 0 as you shot at me and Berri.  
Berri: I always thought you didn't care...  
Conker: I don'... I mean I do care! Well kinda. Or something. Er ...  
  
Next Game:  
  
You must navigate these rowing boats through Death Cove (points to a lagoon filled  
with rocks and whirlpools) same rules about dying and then torture.  
  
START!  
  
To be continued... 


	2. Death Placid Cove

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo.  
  
Please note that this fic is rated NC-17 for hardcore photosynthesis.  
  
(you see Lupustheflyingdog reading his letters)  
  
Bills, bills, bills (throws them into an incinerator) AH! Fan mail ... (opens it and looks inside)  
(reading) ALLAH IS GREAT  
TAKE PENACILLIN NOW  
FROM ISLAMIC EXTREMIST OPERATING  
FROM A SMALL SCHOOL  
(normal) Wait a minute ... (reads again) anthrax (throws into the incinerator)   
Instant Millionaire give away (throws into the incinerator) SHIT! Ah well. There are plenty  
more (sure enough the next 500 letters are all bills or instant millionaire give-aways)  
  
Ah! This looks different- it's ticking to... (BOOM!) what the ... Ah well.  
  
---  
  
Lupustheflyingdog: And finally you must use these rowboats and indirectly control these fine sea  
buccaneers (see wizened old men who are looking away from the sea saying - "Great View of the ocean  
waves!" one is asleep)   
  
GO!  
  
(see Brock staring at Vela)  
Vela: Stop that or I'll shoot.  
Brock: You can shoot me anyday.  
Vela: (surprised) Okay then. (gets out a machine gun)  
Brock: Fire, baby, fi... (mercifully gets smashed against a rock)  
(see Gary's ship, it's filled with fan-mail for Lupustheflyingdog: ie: explosives, his  
buccanner navigator is a chain smoker)  
Gary: Stop smoking!  
Bucanner: I'll smoke when I want you little... (a bit of his cigarette falls into the fanmail  
and his life abruptly ends)  
  
(at the judges table)  
(a message comes up saying "FOR THE MORE MATURE! A mix and match story")  
(you see a plant photosynthesising on the table)  
(Floyd is staring wide-eyed at it)  
Gregg: It's been half an hour since Conker and Berri went under the table to pick up  
a single peice of paper and something furry is brushing against my leg...  
(he sticks his head under the table)  
MIX AND MATCH: a) Gregg: Sheesh! What idiots, they're still looking for that peice of paper  
and one of them is sitting on it!  
b) Gregg: There's an alternate parallel universe down there and it appears that they came up 20  
minutes ago.  
c) Gregg: I'm not to keen on beastiality guys!  
  
(a sign shows up saying "FOR THE LESS MATURE")  
  
(at the judges table)  
(a message comes up saying "FOR THE MORE MATURE! A mix and match story")  
(you see a plant photosynthesising on the table)  
(Floyd is staring wide-eyed at it)  
Gregg: It's been half an hour since Conker and Berri went under the table to pick up  
a single peice of paper and something furry is brushing against my leg...  
(he sticks his head under the table)  
They're in an alternate parallel universe looking for the sheet of paper and ... EUGH! STOP DOING THAT!  
EUGH! SICK! SICK!  
  
(for the really immature, back at death cove)  
  
Vela: Phew! Finally over it ... Juno is that my mini-skirt?  
Tracy: Fascinating! I've got to draw that 50 foot killer shark eating my navigator, oh he's finished  
and (GULP) (muffled) oh, fascinating shark stomach lining!  
Gimlet: That wasn't easy with no pants, stupid drone threw it up that tree again!  
Pikachu: *Phew thank goodness it's over with (realises he started at the finish and is at the start)  
SHIT!*  
  
(torture time!)  
LupusTFD: Gary. Wear this ring.  
Gary: Okay. (it suddenly binds onto his finger)  
LTFD: Only I can take it off ... anytime you say anything egomaniacal it will set you on fire.  
Gary: HA! I can survive mere fire... (catches fire) it works.  
LTFD: Now Brock, you will have a Playboy pasted in front of your eyes.  
Brock: (rubbing hands with anticipation)  
LTFD: I know there's something else ... (after about a minute) AH! YES! You have to wear these  
cast iron underpants all day long. (holds out a pair of cast iron boxer shorts that would barely  
fit Brock)  
  
NOW AT THE LOSER HOTEL  
Juno: Quite comfy this, cold though.  
Misty: Now you know how I feel wearing these ridiculous hot pants! ANyhwo, Ash what did he mean  
by that comment at first.  
Gary: I can figure it out... (catches fire) What, I can!  
Ash: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Marvin: (doesn't speak, instead he eats cheese)  
Jesse: Uh Brock, why is there a Playboy infront of your eyes.  
Brock: WHERE!? (looks at it) (CLONG!) I'm off to go and have some painkillers now... 


End file.
